Ten reasons you should never marry a classical musician
Free concert tickets and a home filled with the joys of music might seem tempting now, but you could live to regret it...!
1. The wedding planning is a nightmare
Forget booking the registry office or the caterers. A musician's mind will be on just one thing: the soundtrack. There'll be playlist upon playlist, all carefully curated for the optimum balance in mood and tonality. You'll be sat down to listen to endless string quartet arrangements of Pachelbel's Canon, all of which, to be quite frank, sound exactly the same to you.
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2. Imagine... a life of toe-tapping and head-bopping
Never again will you be able to pop on Radio 3 'in the background' while you're cooking. Welcome to a new life of active listening. The radio will be turned up and Tippett's Concerto for Double String Orchestra will quickly become the centrepiece of the room.
3. You have to put up with their musician friends
Sorry, but you have to now accept that every party will end with a lot of very sloppy people gathered by a piano – often singing in four-part harmony. Usually, musicians will come armed with an instrument or two, so you'll be hosting your very own 3am suburban orchestra rehearsal before you know it. It might be worth paying the extra to get a little extra wall insulation when you do the extension.
4. Their instrument is more important than you
This'll be a hard pill to swallow when you look at the bank statements at the end of the month and realise their instrument insurance cost more than your entire month of groceries.
5. Wave goodbye to date night
Dinner will now be a solo activity and the only evening date offer you'll ever get will be a trip to the Southbank Centre to watch their concert. The notion of free gig tickets will soon become completely uninviting.
6. Your neighbours will hate you
When you first move in, you're the talk of the road. 'Did you hear that lovely cello being played at Number 9?', you'll hear them say as you walk smugly past with your Bag for Life. Two weeks later, the resentment starts brewing. There are passive aggressive messages on the street WhatsApp group about 'uncivilised hours' and 'sound pollution'. To be honest, you're starting to hate it too, and have gone back to the office full-time because working from home was beginning to drive you totally loopy.
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7. If there's music playing, good luck trying to get their attention
Attempts at conversation will be punctuated with 'ooh, listen to that phrase!' or 'I love what the conductor's done there, isn't that fruity?!'. And don't even try and have a dinner party, because all social civilities will be lost as your partner's eyes glaze over and they get lost in the sumptuousness of Ravel's writing for piano. You could tip bolognese all over their lap and they're unlikely to notice.
8. Holidays will never be spontaneous again
Your holidays will be dictated by a rigorous international touring schedule. A spontaneous trip to Paris for the weekend? No darling, I've got rehearsals, but I do have concerts booked in Minsk in July – why don't we extend the trip and holiday there this year? I hear their stews are first-class.
9. You'll never be able to listen to Ed Sheeran again in peace
Your pleasant pop soundtrack will now be overlaid with comments of 'oop, another four-chord song' or 'Cardi B loves a triplet motif, doesn't she?'.
10. Their bodies are their temples
Have you ever endured the wrath of a guitarist with a broken fingernail? Or a soprano with a chest infection? Honestly, they're best avoided. Things can get pretty dicey.
Freya Parr is BBC Music Magazine's Digital Editor and Staff Writer. She has also written for titles including the Guardian, Circus Journal, Frankie and Suitcase Magazine, and runs The Noiseletter, a fortnightly arts and culture publication. Freya's main areas of interest and research lie in 20th-century and contemporary music.