Let’s face it, Ozzy Osbourne wasn’t the greatest singer in rock.
He wasn’t even the greatest singer in Black Sabbath. That would be Ronnie James Dio. But what Ozzy had in spades that Ronnie lacked was the ability to make us laugh. Even more brilliantly, he frequently gave the impression that he didn’t know whether or not he was in on the joke.
Five brilliant Ozzy moments
1. 'There’s something at the door asking for you'
One of the earliest yarns in Black Sabbath legend is the origin story of how Ozzy came to be in the band. The young Ozzy had decided that a life in rock’n’roll was for him after previous careers in burglary and a slaughterhouse proved less that satisfactory. So he placed an ad in a Birmingham music shop reading: 'Ozzy Zig needs a gig'.
As luck would have it, Geezer Butler was in the process of putting a band together, so he called round to the address on the note only to find that Ozzy was out. He left his own address with Ozzy’s sister and went home. Later that evening, as the Butler family were sitting down for dinner, there was a knock at the door. Geezer’s brother answered it and came back to tell him: 'There’s something at the door asking for you.'
Suitably intrigued, Geezer went to the door to find a crop-haired mod who he’d previously seen staggering home from a local soul club. Ozzy had clearly decided to make an impression, so he was wearing his dad’s brown work gown, had a chimney brush over his shoulder, and was barefoot with a single shoe on a dog leash. 'Hi, I’m Ozzy,' he said by way of introduction. Once he had stopped laughing, Geezer replied: 'Right, you’re in!' And so rock history was made.
2. 'Deeply disrespectful'
At the height of Ozzy’s alcoholism, Sharon dare not leave him alone because he was so resourceful at finding the sauce. She thought she’d defeated him when Ozzy was on tour in America in 1982. On the night of 19 February, she confiscated his clothes while he was in bed and went out to enjoy the sights of San Antonio, Texas.
But the Prince of Darkness was nothing if not resourceful. He promptly pulled on one of his wife’s dresses and went out to the nearest bar in search of refreshment. Which would of itself be reason enough for inclusion among these yarns. It's what happened next, though, that elevates this to Classic Ozzy status.
Now with a full bladder, Ozzy came across what, in his drunken stupor, he considered to be a pile of old rocks and relieved himself. In broad daylight. What he didn’t realise was that he’d pissed on the Alamo cenotaph – the most historically important site in Texas. Promptly arrested by State Troopers and charged with public intoxication, our hero was released when Sharon retuned and pointed out that 15,000 people had bought tickets to see him at the local arena that night.
Luckily, the story has a relatively happy ending. Although Ozzy was banned from playing in Texas for years afterwards, the authorities eventually relented following his repeated public apologies.
After his death, the Alamo released the following statement: 'We at the Alamo are saddened to hear of the passing of legendary musician Ozzy Osbourne. His relationship with the Alamo was marked initially by a deeply disrespectful incident in 1982. This act profoundly and rightfully upset many who hold this site sacred.
'However, redemption and reconciliation eventually became part of his history as well. In 1992, Ozzy personally apologised to then-Mayor Nelson Wolff and expressed genuine remorse for his actions.'
3. The dove and the bat
Former slaughterhouse worker Ozzy had an odd relationship with the animal kingdom, and eventually became a vegan. But long before that, our furry and feathery friends were wise to keep their distance from the Prince of Darkness.
One of the most notorious incidents occurred when Ozzy attended a CBS sales conference in advance of the release of his debut solo album Blizzard of Ozz in 1981. For reasons best known to themselves, someone at the label decided to mark this historic occasion by releasing a bunch of white doves.
Alas, Ozzy was in the depths of alcoholism at the time and quickly became bored by the suits. So he grabbed one of the doves and bit its head off. Our hero was promptly chucked out of his own party and told he would never work for CBS again. In fact, he remained on the label, releasing many more albums for them.
But his reputation was sealed, and fans would turn up for shows laden down with offal to chuck on the stage in case their hero was feeling peckish. Which is how we come to the story of Ozzy and the bat. The year is 1982 and Ozzy is on another gruelling trek across America when a fan chucks what our hero believes to be a rubber bat on stage.
Naturally, he grabs the winged interloper and bites its head off. But unbeknown to Ozzy at the time, the bat is all too real and unfortunately deceased by the time he gets his teeth into it. After the show, he’s carted off to the nearest hospital where he is given a painful rabies shot. Up the bottom.
4. The tale of Ronnie the dwarf
Ozzy was fascinated with the idea of having a 'personal dwarf'... to hang onstage every night. So he was naturally delighted when actor John Edward Allen, who was in Blade Runner and The Eyes of Laura Mars, agreed to join him on his Diary of a Madman Tour from 1981 to 1983. The two had plenty in common, including a fondness for drink and drugs, and Allen was quickly dubbed ‘Ronnie the Dwarf’ in reference to Ozzy’s famously short-statured replacement in Black Sabbath, Ronnie James Dio.
Legend has it that a journalist once took Ozzy to task for his poor treatment of ‘Ronnie’ after the little fella was chucked into the luggage compartment of his tour bus. Ozzy replied that he could do what he liked with Ronnie because he’s 'my dwarf'.
'He’s right, you know,' came a little voice from the luggage compartment. 'I’m his dwarf, and he can do what he likes with me…'
5. Ozzy hits MTV
At the dawn of the reality TV age in 2002, MTV had the brilliant idea of putting the Osbourne family on television, showcasing Ozzy as a befuddled dad (catchphrase: “Shaaa . . . ron!”) rather than the bat-tormenting rock hellraiser of popular mythology. It wasn’t long before every rocker was demanding their own show. But none could hold a candle to naturally funny Ozzy. As the great man himself muses in one episode: 'It could be worse. I could be Sting.'
Choosing a favourite moment is a mug’s game, but it’s hard to beat young Kelly’s decision to get inked. Famously tattooed Ozzy, whose tattoos ranged from professional jobs to his own self-inflicted prison tattoos (the smiley faces on his knees) tried his best to avoid the wrath of Sharon by admonishing her: 'To be someone unique, don't have a tattoo, cos everyone and their friend has a tattoo,' he remarks sagely.
But he’s secretly relieved that it’s only a small red heart on her thigh. 'It’s not all that bad. I thought she was going to show up with a picture of an eagle on her arse, you know?' reasons this greatest of Rock Dads. Fact: Kelly is now covered in tattoos.
Four more legendary rock pranks
1. Keith Moon and the swimming pool
This is the legendary event that epitomizes rock excess. For his 21st birthday party at the Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan, The Who's drummer Moon instigated a massive food fight, destroyed the banquet room, and then, after discovering a cherry bomb, threw it into the toilet, destroying the plumbing. His grand finale was, allegedly, driving a Lincoln Continental convertible into the hotel swimming pool.
2. Van Halen and the brown M&Ms
Van Halen's concert rider famously included a clause demanding a bowl of M&M’s with all the brown ones removed. If the promoter failed to meet this seemingly absurd, small-scale demand, the band would have the right to cancel the show and receive full pay. The prank's true purpose was not the candy, but using the specific demand as a test to ensure the promoter read the entire complex rider, especially the critical safety and stage setup requirements.
3. Alice Cooper and the guillotine
Alice Cooper has built a career on theatrical mischief. From fake guillotines and snakes to exploding props and onstage antics, his pranks blur horror and humour. Offstage, he once appeared in full stage makeup at a golf course, terrifying casual players. Cooper’s chaos is always performative: playful, outrageous, and perfectly in tune with his shock-rock persona.
4. Dave Grohl and the stage fall
In 2018, during a Foo Fighters show in Gothenburg, Sweden, Dave Grohl appeared to run across the stage and fall into the pit below, horrifyingly recreating Grohl's 2015 accident at the same venue that had resulted in a broken leg. Turns out it was a stuntman, though. The audience was shocked until the real Dave Grohl came out to the relief and amusement of all.
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