Marriage to a musician: blissful, right? An alliance with a passionate and creative mind... unique insights into the creative process...a home filled with beautiful music. And, who knows, perhaps the odd glamorous music industry shindig to attend. Well, yes and no. Here are ten reasons why you should never marry a classical musician.
1. Never marry a classical musician... the wedding planning is a nightmare
Forget booking the registry office or the caterers. A musician's mind will be on just one thing: the soundtrack. There'll be playlist upon playlist, all carefully curated for the optimum balance in mood and tonality. You'll be sat down to listen to endless string quartet arrangements of Pachelbel's Canon, all of which, to be quite frank, sound exactly the same to you.
Or perhaps your fiancee will want live music - preferably performed by all their friends and colleagues. While this might sound idyllic - and mates rates are always a great thing - expect your wedding to be overtaken by highly strung artistes and impromptu jam sessions!
If you're worried, we might be able to help. We recently named the best music for wedding ceremonies plus the best wedding hymns.
2. Imagine... a life of toe-tapping and head-bopping
Never again will you be able to pop on Radio 3 'in the background' while you're cooking. Welcome to a new life of active listening. The radio will be turned up and Tippett's Concerto for Double String Orchestra will quickly become the centrepiece of the room.
Expect lots of discussion about interpretation, too. Was the tempo too fast or slow, were the strings using too much vibrato... and surely the balance is wrong and the orchestra is swamping the soloist!
3. Never marry a classical musician... you have to put up with their musician friends
Sorry, but you have to now accept that every party will end with a lot of very sloppy people gathered by a piano – often singing in four-part harmony. Usually, musicians will come armed with an instrument or two, so you'll be hosting your very own 3am suburban orchestra rehearsal before you know it.
It might be worth paying the extra to get a little extra wall insulation when you do the extension. Otherwise your irate neighbours will be on the phone to the council.
4. Their instrument is more important than you
This'll be a hard pill to swallow when you look at the bank statements at the end of the month and realise their instrument insurance cost more than your entire month of groceries.
Not only this, but that expensive Stradivari violin will be the most precious thing in your spouse's life - never to be left alone in a car or hotel room, and coming along to cinemas, restaurants and family gatherings. And if you happen to be married to a cellist, the instrument will require its own seat in the cabin!
5. Never marry a classical musician... wave goodbye to date night
Dinner will now be a solo activity and the only evening date offer you'll ever get will be a trip to the Southbank Centre or Carnegie Hall to watch their concert.
Plus, the life of a freelancer means never saying no to that last-minute booking. So even if you do have the perfect evening planned, expect your other half to ditch you. Because they absolutely had to step into that high-profile performance when their rival dropped out due to sickness.
The notion of free gig tickets will soon become completely uninviting.
6. Never marry a classical musician... your neighbours will hate you
When you first move in, you're the talk of the road. 'Did you hear that lovely cello being played at Number 9?', you'll hear them say as you walk smugly past with your Bag for Life.
Two weeks later, the resentment starts brewing. There are passive aggressive messages on the street WhatsApp group about 'uncivilised hours' and 'sound pollution'. To be honest, you're starting to hate it too, and have gone back to the office full-time because working from home was beginning to drive you totally loopy.
7. If there's music playing, good luck trying to get their attention
Attempts at conversation will be punctuated with, 'Ooh, listen to that phrase!' or 'I love what the conductor's done there, isn't that fruity?!' And don't even try and have a dinner party, because all social civilities will be lost as your partner's eyes glaze over and they get lost in the sumptuousness of Ravel's writing for piano. You could tip bolognese all over their lap and they're unlikely to notice.
8. Never marry a classical musician... holidays will never be spontaneous again
Your holidays will be dictated by a rigorous international touring schedule. A spontaneous trip to Paris for the weekend? No darling, I've got rehearsals, but I do have concerts booked in Minsk in July – why don't we extend the trip and holiday there this year? I hear their stews are first-class.
9. You'll never be able to listen to Ed Sheeran again in peace
Your pleasant pop soundtrack will now be overlaid with comments of, 'Oop, another four-chord song' or 'Cardi B loves a triplet motif, doesn't she?'. All overlaid with just a hint of snobbery... after all, Bach and Beethoven used a tad more than four chords.
10. Never marry a classical musician... Their bodies are their temples
Have you ever endured the wrath of a guitarist with a broken fingernail? Or a soprano with a chest infection? Honestly, they're best avoided. These are, after all, world shattering events – or at least they might lead to that most awful outcome in a musician's life... the concert cancellation!